Journey Through the Eyes of a Trans-Manby Taylor Melamed
A disclaimer before I detail my journey: these have been my personal experiences as a
trans man. Just as all straight, cisgender people have had different experiences, my trans brothers
and sisters have also been through different journeys.
I always knew I was different. Since the beginning of my recollection, at the age of
four, I dressed like a boy and played with them exclusively. Most of all, I thought if I prayed
long and hard enough, God would grant my wish and make me into a boy. It wasn’t until I was in
kindergarten that reality came crashing down—that wasn’t going to happen.
My best friend at the time, Joshua, told everyone I had a crush on a first-grade girl. The
kids made fun of me, telling me, “You and Anna can’t get married unless you move to another
country” and I quickly realized that most of their parents felt the same way. The mother of one of
my closest female friends was adamant about dismissing my feelings for Anna when I told her,
and I almost never felt welcomed by her again.
I was convinced even my own mother disapproved. I can vividly recall my sister teasing
me, singing “Anna and Taylor sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G,” with my mother telling me, “No,
you don’t have a crush on Anna, you just really admire her.”
Due to the backlash I received on the playground, I decided my feelings weren’t normal,
and neither was playing exclusively with the boys. I ended up modeling some behaviors after
those of my twin sister and I latched onto the friendship I had with a girl named Olivia.
It was during my freshman year of high school that I was able to admit I was attracted to
women, but what I did not realize is that I am attracted to them as a male. I latched onto being a
lesbian because that was the label that seemed to fit me best at the time.
Nearly 15 years later, I am finally ready to talk about the trauma I experienced from
Joshua’s betrayal and from the backlash I received from the other children on the playground. It
was beyond painful and I was so mortified by the experience that I actively avoided Anna at all
costs. One event in particular was so agonizing that I blocked the memory out along with my
feelings for girls. A couple of months after the hysteria died down, my family decided to go for
breakfast at a local restaurant, owned by Anna’s family. It felt so awkward when I saw that her
family was also eating there. I went into the bathroom and had an emotional breakdown, at the
young age of 6, all because of other people’s opinions about my affections for another girl,
which was frankly no one else’s business.
When I was home for a few days after the spring semester ended, I decided to discuss it
with my mother. At last, I was able to grieve for what I had ultimately lost: a “normal” childhood
experience. I also came to realize I had held out on being fully vulnerable in my relationships
because of something that happened nearly 15 years ago.
I am not naive enough to think that Joshua “spilled the beans” out of malice. Rather, he
was a typical schoolkid, thinking about our commonalities rather than what made us different. I
do, however, resent that the people in my world as a whole were unable to accept me at the time
and simply laughed off my affections for another girl.
Although Joshua’s indiscretion haunted and affected me for years, I know ultimately all
there is left to do is let go, which is a conclusion I finally came to in May of this year. This
conclusion is the culmination of my progress from the years of therapy I have gone through, and
now I will finally be able to move on.
There are things each of us can do to prevent others from experiencing the same
struggles. I drudged up memories that I had repressed for more than a decade, which has made
me vulnerable in a way I almost hate. Please don’t let my sacrifice and suffering be in vain;
please be an ally by standing up for LGBTQ+ rights, regardless of your own identity or sexual
orientation. Just as white people marched alongside black people during the civil rights
movement, straight people can march alongside people who identify as LGBTQ+. The bottom
line is that LGBTQ+ rights are human rights, no matter what anyone else tries to say. Which side
of history do you want to be on?
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