As the brilliant Brené Brown reminds us, we humans are wired for interpersonal connection, and thrive when wrapped in the safety and softness of love and belonging. And yet, when it comes to genuine friendships, Americans are trending in the wrong direction.
The American Perspectives Study1 (May, 2021) published by the Survey Center on American Life reported, “signs suggest that the role of friends in American social life is experiencing a pronounced decline.” The authors of the study highlighted, “Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.”
This decline in meaningful friendships is evident in the increased reports of loneliness and isolation, as noted in a 2018 study2 of 20,000 American adults by the national health insurer, Cigna. Ironically, despite being the largest generation – larger than the Baby Boomers, and larger than the Millennials – “Gen Z” (current adolescents and emerging adults) has been dubbed the loneliest generation in history. The Cigna study found that Gen Z had the highest loneliness score, while the Greatest Generation (ages 72+) are the least lonely. Astoundingly, nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone or left out.
Of course, the global pandemic has taken an immeasurable toll on our physical and mental health. But these trends toward loneliness began prior to COVID-19. On the surface, it makes sense to look at the seemingly over-reliance on social media as the leading suspect in Gen Z’s loneliness woes. Despite the illusion of connection, social media doesn’t seem to help. “Heavy users” of social media in the Cigna study had a similar loneliness score to that of respondents who never use social media. According to Debra Lafler, the reasons for this increased loneliness go beyond the “digital divide.”
Lafler, a wellness blogger and the Wellness and Employee Assistance Program manager for the Wisconsin Department of Health Services, suggests that “it’s anything that disconnects us from communicating and connecting in-person with individuals or groups…We are human, and we need face-to-face human interaction.” She continues, “We connect and communicate with each other not just through words, but through facial expressions, body language, behaviors, and so on. We are all suffering with loneliness, and we are all constantly creating it through our habits. We need to intervene with ourselves and others. Wellness is about cultivating well-being, and in order to do that we need human connection through face-to-face interactions. We need and want ‘to love and be loved’ – in person.”3
One key point to remember, as Lafler points out, is that our suffering and loneliness – collectively or individually – is created and/or perpetuated by our habits. This is the good news, as the implication is that we’re in the driver’s seat, at least to a degree. Each of us can heed the call to action – to “intervene with ourselves and others” – and find opportunities for connection. Here are five tips to do just that:
1. Do what you love.
Many of us have drifted away from many things that bring us joy, especially with the disruptions brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic. Make a list of things you love to do – or that you’d like to do – and explore ways to get back into them. Sports, art, music, hiking, reading, collecting coins – whatever piques your interest, do it. Ironically, even some activities that you prefer to do alone can help combat feelings of isolation and loneliness, as activity and fulfillment can be rejuvenating.
2. Find what you love.
Your favorite thing(s) may still be out there, undiscovered, waiting for you to introduce yourself. Join a class on something new – something you may have expressed interest in before, but have never taken the plunge. Or, something that just stands out in the moment! A watercolor class, Zumba, line-dancing, bird watching, yoga, taekwondo, photography, family history, creative writing, ukulele, cooking…the list goes on. When it’s over, whether you find a new passion, or have a “been there, done that” experience, embracing new opportunities for connection can be a tremendous boost. Most communities and colleges offer adult education and activities; a quick internet search is a good starting point.
3. Jump in.
This could be your “courage over comfort” moment that pays social dividends. Whether it’s a new class, a book club, a service organization, or any other the opportunity for meeting new people with similar interests, participate! It can be a little intimidating, but putting yourself out there can also open doors for new friendships and meaningful experiences.
4. Cultivate an interest in others.
Start with friends and family. It may be that meaningful connection is a simple text or call away – lean in when needed. But try connecting with strangers as well. In their article4, “Social Interactions and Well-Being: the Surprising Power of Weak Ties,” Sandstrom & Dunn (2014) recognize that small interactions with acquaintances and strangers can improve our social and emotional well-being. When grabbing coffee or running errands, put your phone away and notice those around you. Smile, say hello, or strike up a conversation with the simple purpose of connecting with a fellow human, and see how it goes!
5. Practice self-care.
On the surface, this may sound counter-intuitive in the battle against isolation and loneliness. But taking care of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health allows us to be more present and available for healthy connection. When you’re feeling lonely, it’s easy to forget about the importance of eating well, exercising, and getting enough restful sleep. Making sure to rest and fuel your mind, body, and spirit can go a long way in brightening your outlook.
Research indicates that Americans – especially Gen Z-ers – report increasing loneliness and isolation. Health and wellness experts like Debra Lafler recognize the impact of loneliness on our mental health and emotional well-being. She suggests, given that much of our loneliness and isolation is a result of our behavior, it’s time to intervene. These five strategies may be a great place to start.
1The American Perspectives Study, May 2021, by the Survey Center on American Life: https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-and-loss/
2Cigna 2018 U.S. Loneliness Index, Fact Sheet: https://www.cigna.com/assets/docs/newsroom/loneliness-survey-2018-fact-sheet.pdf
3Busch, J (2021). ‘Loneliness epidemic’ hits Gen Z hardest: 1 in 4 are lonely at work, in Greater Madison In Business (July 29): https://www.ibmadison.com/loneliness-epidemic-hits-gen-z-hardest-1-in-4-are-lonely-at-work/
4Sandstrom, G.M. & Dunn, E.W. (2014). Social interactions and well-being: the surprising power of weak ties; Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, April 25, 2014. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167214529799
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